I guess it wasn't meant to be

Call me paranoid but I have a feeling our meeting is going to be cancelled. Just a strange feeling I have after talking to him (IM really) yesterday. He seems to have come to the conclusion that I couldn't be happy with a Catholic raised Spaniard. He'd have a point if he was still Catholic. I wouldn;t touch that with a ten foot pole. But he's rejected Catholicism and is Agnostic non affiliated. But if he's going to be looking for reasons this won't work I don't think we stand a chance. I went through that with Ron. I want someone who thinks positive.

Bye Bye Espanola

Apparently they are shutting down our field office.

Don't panic they aren't firing us. They are going to join field offices to save money on rent. I suspect I'll be working out of Santa Fe soon. I don't know the timeline yet. I just heard it through the grapevine.

Phone Tag

I've been playing phone tag with someone the last few days. I'm starting to think that maybe this was not meant to be. It's a shame because we have a lot in common. He's a hydrologist and works for the state. I think we could be good friends but I'm not sure about a "relationship".

Maybe I'm putting up the barriers because I'm afraid to get involved with someone else. Maybe it simply wasn't meant to be.

What would you do?

i went to get lunch at the UNM campus food center in the SUB. There's an Asian place that I go to. They have a relatively healthy inexpensive vegetarian meal that gets me through the day. While I was waiting in line the guy who was washing dishes decided to help the woman who was serving the food. But he just went up and started serving the food without washing his hands or changing his gloves. I debated with myself and ended up going back and talking to him about.

Two years ago I wouldn't have even realized he was doing something wrong. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that innocence. What would you have done in my place?

Chosen?

I really like the opening where he gives his warnings about biblical text. And the rest is pretty good too.

What will creationists do next?

This is VERY interesting.

R.I.P. Celica

I was wrong. It is serious. The headgasket is blown and fixing it would cost more than the car is worth.

I've been feeling kind of shocked and upset since I found out but I'm trying to look on the bright side. OK, so I lost the $250.00 of the trade in I could have gotten for it. That isn't worth getting upset about. On the up side can you believe that it happened the very day I bought my new car....Thinking about it makes my head reel.

And I am now the proud owner of my dream car. And i's more beautiful and amazing than I ever thought.

I think it was time to let the Celica go. It represents a time in my life that has past. It served me well and I'm grateful to it for the service it gave me.

R.I.P. my dear Celica.

I Have Officially Lost My Mind/ All's Well That Ends Well?

There was a letter in the mail from my credit union about them participating in big sale with the local Toyota dealership in Santa Fe with a few thousand certified pre-owned vehicles and a few hundred new ones. I've been thinking about buying a four wheel drive vehicle for the winter since I got snowed in a few times last year with my little Celica. Yesterday was fall break so I got to leave work early (didn't really have to even go in), and I drove down to Santa Fe to check it out. I was thinking of buying an old truck if they had one for around two thousand.

Well, they had a few pre-owned Prius's and the dealer got me to take one for a test drive. I already knew he was Jewish but during the test drive I found out he was an Israeli from Kibbutz Sarid. He doesn't have the really thick Israeli accent Israeli's generally even after decades in the US. Thinking back his accent is a bit like my dads.

Well, I ended up buying the car

I was now in Santa Fe with two cars. So Aspen (his full name is Aspen Tree Leaf. HONESTLY!!!!! He changed it when he moved to New Mexico), drove my old car to Chimayo for me while I drove the new one and I drove him back to Santa Fe afterwards. Except that my old car overheated a few miles from home and totally shut down on him, serendipity? And I had to call AAA to get it towed to a mechanic. I don't think it's serious but if I want to sell it I need to get it fixed.

But here's the best part. We drove back to my place in the Prius so I could get my cell phone and some more CD's (it was really nice to have someone with me who really enjoys and appreciates the same music) and I locked myself out of the house!

I ended up sleeping in my new car.

Another Loan Paid Back

So far I've given three loans to friends. Each time I give the loan I make a personal pact with myself to not get upset if it doesn't get paid back. I just got the second loan back. It was for $200.00 and I made it 3-4 months ago. I still have an outstanding loan of $500.00 that I gave to another friend a few weeks ago. I'm sure she will eventually pay me back even if it's in small increments. I'm fine with that. I told her to take her time paying me back when I gave it to her because she's been out of work for a long time, just got a new job and her disability is about to run out so she's in a tight place right now.

And if I don't get it back that's OK too. She's a good friend and I'm not going to fight with her over money.

Back on OKCupid

About a year ago I left OKCupid. They kept playing around with the interface and bugging the site up and I got pissed off and left. After I wrote my goodbye post to Ron I had an urge to go back and check it out again. I don't know if anything will come out of this but I do know that if I don't try I'll never find anyone. I'm back in the playing field again and this time I think I'm really ready.

I'm home

I've been wanting to put this up for a while. It has nothing to do with belief in God even though it is a religious symbol. It has to do with openly putting it out there and saying. "I'm Jewish".

I was going to wait until I bought a house but I've realized that now that it isn't going to happen for a long time I shouldn't put off doing it. And I'm glad I did because I suddenly feel like I'm really home.

Saying good bye

This post is for me. I need to put this out there even though I know he's never going to read it.

Dear Ron,

I have a lot of things to say but first I want you to know that I'm sorry for the hurt I caused you and I've forgiven you for the hurt you caused me. This does not mean that I want you back in my life. I still love you and I always will but I don't ever want to see you again.

I remember the day you told me how your brothers cheated you and stole your patent. I remember saying that people don't just take things from you, you invite them to take things from you. And after thinking about it for a minute you agreed with me. I remember telling you that you need to fight for what you really want. You agreed. What I didn't understand then was how deep your need to constantly be hurt by the people you care about was. It wasn't until the day you told me about your self hatred that I started to connect the dots. I already knew that having contact with your father was bad for you. That piece of information made it all crystal clear to me. Every time you have contact with him you start to hate yourself and you need to destroy every good thing in your life because you feel like you don't deserve to be happy.

I wish you could learn to love yourself. There's a lot to love. Deep down there's a wonderful caring man who was so badly hurt as a child that he can't accept his good side.I really hope you get the therapy that you need and learn to move past that hurt and start to love yourself. And I hope that after you learn to love yourself you can let go of your hatred of women because of what your mother did to you. I hope you find happiness with someone.

I'm never going to see you again. I hope you go back East and settle down where you belong. New Mexico is mine. This is my home. I'm happy here and want to stay here so I need you to go so I can have real peace of mind here. I think you'll be happier back East. You hated it because of what you went through with your parents and Karen. But the reality is that it's where you belong. When you learn to let go of the past you'll be happy there. Your friends are there, your children are there, it's where you belong.

The day I realized that you could not let go of your abuser I realized that I had to let go of mine.

I felt bad in court when I asked the judge to extend the restraining order for more than a year. But I had to do it. I saw the hurt in your face when she offered me five years and I accepted, and it wasn't easy to handle, but I'm not sorry I did it. I need to love myself more than I love you. You are not good for me so I let you go.

And now I'm saying good bye.

Total Fail

I had to submit a paper for my Water Resources course. I had virtually no time to write it. I ended up sending my rough draft.

I have three paper critiques and an annotated bibliography due by November 10th for Geomicrobiology and I don't know how I'll get it doe because I have another Water Resources paper due on October 27th....

Right now I feel like I'm drowning.

I think I'm going to fail everything.

New Furniture Part III

Last furniture post (for now :-p).

The end tables, lamp and wall tapestry are new.